A Letter to My Unborn Son

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Dear Holt,

Sleeping doesn’t come easy these days, so it wasn’t surprising that I found myself sitting in the recliner of your room in the middle of the night. I was electronic free and I just sat, looking around at a perfectly clean, tidy room.

Your little night-light and sound machine had the room gently illuminated in soft blue light. And a small, stuffed bear sat in my lap. I could just barely see the outlines of all that important baby gear. Your little bouncer. Your little rocker. Your little car seat.Dayna and Jake 2I’ve been extremely whiny and uncomfortable lately. The small complications at the end of this pregnancy have me both exhausted and occasionally in pain all day. They’ve also found me emotionally worn down. I’m afraid of you coming too early. Like your daddy, you’re apparently completely impatient and refuse to show up late for anything. Especially your own birth.

But the truth is this: as soon as you get here, I know that I’ll completely forget how bad your kicks and stretches hurt while I’m having a contraction. Or how exhausting my irritable uterus is when I can’t tell the difference between contractions or just constant aches. Or how when your head rolls across my poor bladder I almost die–or pee on myself. I do that a lot lately; pee on myself.

And you’ll arrive so, so soon. Faster than I even think we’re prepared for. As it is they take me off medication on Friday. Of course they want you to stay in there for another week. You’ll only have been growing for 36 weeks tomorrow. But my body may not physically pull that off and the doctor says you’ll be okay if you come after Friday.

Friday. Tomorrow Friday. That’s not even 24 full hours.

I thought about that and thought, “Oh man. Next week. My son will probably be here next week.”

And then I prayed. For you. For me. For your father.

I thought about how exhausting this entire process has been, from our first, heartbreaking loss, through the second loss, to the miracle that I’m carrying now. You.  And I thought about the sweet years it’s just been me and your dad. I thought about how special those years are, and how I wouldn’t give them up for anything.

He is an awesome husband and has wonderful parents, I know he’s going to be an amazing dad. I can’t wait to see him fill those shoes because I can’t imagine a better father for you.

 

When I picture you, you are just like him. Just so you know. Strong, with the deepest sense of loyalty and love I’ve ever met in a man.

For a moment, I reveled in the calm before the storm. This quiet room.

A roll, kick, and punch later, I realized that calm isn’t calm even now. I’m already sitting absolutely still when you fall asleep, afraid to move or talk in case I wake you up.

Then I thought about the future, and how joyful I am for you to join us.

I want to come back to this moment one day and show you. Show you how I felt, what I was thinking, how happy and excited we were for you to join our family. Tell you it was 5:30 am when I was typing this letter because sleep was elusive and I was so full of joy and peace.

You’ll be in my arms so soon.Dayna and Jake 1

I don’t want you to forget that I’m willing to this, all over again, just for you. Because you’re worth it. And I want you to know that I felt that way before I even saw your face, kissed your nose, held your hand, or fixed your boo-boos.

The fact is, I love you even now. With every part of my heart and soul. I can’t help it.

With love,

Mom

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6 thoughts on “A Letter to My Unborn Son

    Dear Father of My Son « The Frazzled Coffee Lover said:
    January 4, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    […] If you enjoyed this post, check out A Letter to my Unborn Son. […]

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    Laura Hovermale said:
    January 7, 2015 at 1:43 am

    I stumbled across this link on Facebook, and am currently 34 weeks with my first child, a baby boy, to be named Elijah Scot. Laying on the couch with swollen ankles, feet, calves and him all the way in my ribs, and this moved me to tears! By far my favorite pregnancy post I’ve read yet, as ready as I am to meet him, I’m going to one day miss all of the uncomfort, pains, and maybe even peeing myself! Thank you for this, it’s truly heart touching and reminded me to take as much enjoyment in these last few weeks as I can. Thank you!

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      daynakristine responded:
      January 7, 2015 at 1:57 am

      Thank you for this. It’s wild that this post was both so long ago and so soon past. I barely remember how horrible I felt. It’ll be worth it. My four-month old is awesome.

      Like

    Allison said:
    January 7, 2015 at 7:42 am

    Reading this was like reading my own story, I lost two babies before getting my miracle five months ago, and know exactly what you mean about cherishing every moment. Even at the end if the pregnancy when I felt like a bag of yuck most days, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. Beautiful read 🙂

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      daynakristine responded:
      January 7, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      Thank you.

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I find that I still occassionally mourn those first two babies. Even after having the beautiful rainbow I have now. It changes you in so many ways.

      Like

    Dear Father of My Son said:
    May 26, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    […] If you enjoyed this post, check out A Letter to my Unborn Son. […]

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